"Untitled"

I don't know what do,
I don't know how to feel,
Or what to write,
Or if these words can heal

When I found out the news I cried,
I cried a lot,
Not in front of everyone,
Just by myself

I tried to stop,
I told myself crying would have only made you sad,
And I told myself you were in a better place
It only made me cry more

I tried to write about how sad I felt,
Just get my feelings out,
But I don't know how to do that when I can't feel anything but depression
A dull feeling that blocks the mind and the heart

I drew pictures of you,
Trying to predict how you would look now that you're in Heaven
None came out right,
None were pretty enough

I tried to think of happy thoughts,
Times we spent together,
Jokes you made,
It made me laugh; you always knew how to make people do that

Even with your hair falling out,
Your liver failing,
You could almost always smile
And I wonder how you did it

This big, long poem that I am writing
Is just another way to say;
"I miss you,
I miss you a lot, Renee"