i have been slowly getting worse for a while. but this last couple of weeks i have been either crying or sleeping. i have wanted to do all the stuff i used to do before to cope but can't. i have just wasted my wages on stuff i didn't need because things went wrong and i gave in thinking "what's the point?".
i am finding things very stressful at the moment. my boss decided half way through the month to cut my hours with no warning and so i lost almost half the wages i needed to cover my bills this month. my boss has also brought his girlfriend in to work every day to help him, so mum has decided she hates her and has waged a vendetta against the girl. just because my boss is 34 and his girlfriend is 19 was the start of it all. but now mum is feeling pushed out and the boss is making her suffer and chris is sick of the situation as well as she is also feeling pushed out so they keep bitching to me about it and when i said something about the girlfriend i was told it wasn't my fight. so i shouldn't be involved, and then they continued to involve me by bitching to me about it.
it all came to a head on friday night because the boss had had a go at mum about something earlier in the day, then he rang to ask me where something was on our way home. i told him i hadn't had time, and he asked where something was that mum should have done and i said she hadn't had time to do it. so she started having a go at me because he'd found out she hadn't done this thing, and that he was fuming. but he was fuming at me, not her. she kept having a go at me and questioning me about it so i started to snap but managed to rein it in. so we got home and i walked away to my room. mum went in the utility and started crying. so i was in the poo and my sister had a go at me saying it was my fault that she was upset. so i went off to my room crying quietly so they didn't hear and start calling me an attention-seeking drama queen.
i have to find full time work to cover my bills due to my boss and i am scared senseless about it. i am scared i'm going to mess everything up again and let everyone down. i was supposed to go to an agency to sign on but i was shaking so much and crying, i felt naseous, dizzy. i didn't go. but i applied for about 15 jobs and none of them came back to me. so i feel useless now and like it's not going to happen.
i am tired of feeling ill all the time because i am so wound up and feeling like i don't want to be concious anymore. i have had enough. dad was in a foul mood the other night and driving like an idiot taking me to work. i wished that he would crash and kill me so i didn't have to feel like this anymore or put up with anything.
i just wish that i wasn't such a useless freak and that i could keep my negative low moods and thoughts under control. i try to hide it from my family because they don't care. they are so wrapped up in their own little worlds. i am so inconsequential that i am not allowed to have anything wrong. i just wish i had someone to talk to near me. i am tired of everything and want it all to stop.
i can't keep fighting the negative stuff, i'm too tired. i can't keep taking the bitchy, snide comments from people. anyone has a bad day i get it. yet i have to be happy go lucky and smily faced all day long.
i'm sorry to go on, but i have had enough of just writing it down in my journal. i wanted to get it out to someone else. a third party if you like.
ive not been around that much but still sometimes post on the sensitive forum. but its gone
so quite on there now.
