hey everyone
been a long time since i was last on here, s much has happened some good some not.
I will start with the positive, i completed my slevels gaining 2 B's and an E at AS level biology. I am now at uni doing Psychology with Clinical and Health Psychology, I am off all meds, have no team what-so-ever and havent selfharmed in 10 months. I also have a fab boyfriend and am very much in love. I am also going on a christian youth exchange in the summer to the caribbean where the team are hoping to do some AIDs work.
All of the above is a big achievement for me and i am proud of it but am struggling and could do with venting it all. I struggled alot with settling at uni this last semester, through illness meetings and general homesickness i was at home alot. I thought the timetable was hard last semester and they have added another 4 hours of lectures now with about the same amount of assignments which if people saw wouldnt think was too bad, but i am not sleeping finding it hard to concentrate and have an exam a week today. Many will say well first year doesn't count so long as you get the 40% you need to pass it, but to me it means a lot, it a chance to prove to myself and others that i can cope, that i can do it. But im scared, im not coping well, im being plagued more and more with urges to selfharm and last nite one of the guys down my corridor OD'd and its sent my head spinning, because i know that feeling, ive experienced it before and my head recognised it for being there now, ive just been fighting it for so long. I am scared im falling and desperately clinging to the edge of staying on the coping level. I am sat trying to finish an essay at the minute with tears streaming down my face and the overwhelming urge to release all the pressure and throw 10months down the drain. It may also sound trivial but i am hoping to see an old friend who has been hearing the positive updates and wants to meet up this year, if i started selfhar etc again he may not feel its appropriate to see me. My boyfriend also said he doesnt know what he'd do if i did selfharm and sounds trivial but its my birthday this week and i dont want cuts on my arms for that. If i start cutting again or even go on meds i may not be able to go on the exchange and im scared, scared of the overwhelming feelings and urges and scared of the consequences if i give in and scared of how i'll cope if i dont give in. i dont know what to do.
i know thats a bit of a rant, i just needed to try and let some of the pent up emotion out.
been a long time since i was last on here, s much has happened some good some not.
I will start with the positive, i completed my slevels gaining 2 B's and an E at AS level biology. I am now at uni doing Psychology with Clinical and Health Psychology, I am off all meds, have no team what-so-ever and havent selfharmed in 10 months. I also have a fab boyfriend and am very much in love. I am also going on a christian youth exchange in the summer to the caribbean where the team are hoping to do some AIDs work.
All of the above is a big achievement for me and i am proud of it but am struggling and could do with venting it all. I struggled alot with settling at uni this last semester, through illness meetings and general homesickness i was at home alot. I thought the timetable was hard last semester and they have added another 4 hours of lectures now with about the same amount of assignments which if people saw wouldnt think was too bad, but i am not sleeping finding it hard to concentrate and have an exam a week today. Many will say well first year doesn't count so long as you get the 40% you need to pass it, but to me it means a lot, it a chance to prove to myself and others that i can cope, that i can do it. But im scared, im not coping well, im being plagued more and more with urges to selfharm and last nite one of the guys down my corridor OD'd and its sent my head spinning, because i know that feeling, ive experienced it before and my head recognised it for being there now, ive just been fighting it for so long. I am scared im falling and desperately clinging to the edge of staying on the coping level. I am sat trying to finish an essay at the minute with tears streaming down my face and the overwhelming urge to release all the pressure and throw 10months down the drain. It may also sound trivial but i am hoping to see an old friend who has been hearing the positive updates and wants to meet up this year, if i started selfhar etc again he may not feel its appropriate to see me. My boyfriend also said he doesnt know what he'd do if i did selfharm and sounds trivial but its my birthday this week and i dont want cuts on my arms for that. If i start cutting again or even go on meds i may not be able to go on the exchange and im scared, scared of the overwhelming feelings and urges and scared of the consequences if i give in and scared of how i'll cope if i dont give in. i dont know what to do.
i know thats a bit of a rant, i just needed to try and let some of the pent up emotion out.
hope the studying went ok??? im annoyed cause my home pc is so slow i cant do
much on facebook at home. ie cant even join groups or change profile. takes ages. ill have to get on facebook at work - at lunch of course. he he 
. PLanning to go back to docs sometime this week,
fitting it in around lectures etc.
